Last year’s guiding thought was being kind and forgiving. However, I find myself only now – nearly half way into 2018 – embracing kindness and forgiveness in everyday practices. These values, wishes, goals, ideals moved to words and actions; to states of being. I live kindness. I live forgiveness.
I have known for quite some time that in order to fully become myself I need to let go. Of past hurts, of failures, of all the energy weighing me done – and surely, there was one way out: pointing my finger at others, blaming others for…yes, what for? Everything! Any harm I had experienced, every tear I had shed, every time I was lying on the floor pressing me legs against my body. It is all their fault. I am miserable. I am weak. There is nothing I can do about it! And so you create your future. You feel miserable. You feel weak and there seems no way out.
Blame is a powerful tool. It is directed towards others, but actually keeps us prisoners. Blame covers our own insecurities, shame and hurts. We think by blaming others we direct our fearful and painful emotions at others. In fact, though, we use blame to bury our emotions that lie at the core.
How can we ever rise and shine and overcome feelings such as anger, hurt or fear if we deny them?
We lock ourselves inside our beautiful castle that neither we nor anyone else gets to enter.
To admit that I am actually in control of my thoughts, my feelings and, thus, my life is hard enough. It is hard enough to admit that the responsibility lies with me and I am not a victim of past actions. The hardest part though is realizing my very own role in the whole story. I am just as much an actor in this story as anyone else; including those I liked to blame! My actions feed into the responses. As I act they react. The way I am treated is a reflection of my thoughts and behavior.
Wow…let that sink in. It is indeed shocking. And then don’t fall into the next trap hiding behind the corner: blaming yourself instead! It is all my fault. What have I done? It is all me. And again we fail to see the interconnectedness of life and all forms of being. We are all playing a part in the grand scheme which leaves us with a rather powerful message: I can take responsibility. I am the creator of my own life.
Yes, there are still struggles and challenges and seemingly unbearable losses and hurts on your way. No, it is not about avoiding pain, fear and loneliness. It is about making them part of your story and learning to feel, think and act in all directions.
This is when the process of kindness and forgiveness – towards myself and others – finally begins. And this is why it might take longer than a year to realize and understand, to accept without blame or desperation and then to practice being kind and forgiving.
It seems like a long and never-ending path, yet, only as we experience time as limited; whereas in fact, it is infinite and flowing.
So, have heart, have courage, have faith.
This year I live by being grateful with every breath.