And then it hits again. The pain, the grief, the sadness – but mostly pain. Steeming from a single thought building up to become a narrative which then finds its way into reality in form of pain. It sits between chest and stomach, at least for me. It also captures my throat that even breathing feels painful. It burns, it feels narrow and pressured.
If the situation allows I set it free – all this pain hiding in different corners of my body. Sometimes it comes as a tsunami and I get sweped away and humbly, I have to lie on the ground on my knees while being in the midst of it. Silent roars leave my mouth. Screams that no on can hear.
Sometimes it is a short burst of tears. Thick, salty balls cover my cheeks while I try to continue brushing my teeth or washing the dishes. When I look in the mirror I am surprised how much my eyes can give away.
And sometimes I am not alone and I try to control it, to keep it locked up nice and tidely. While the storm is slowly growing inside I wish for the moment when I am safe, when I can close the door behind me and finally can let go.
Enduring pain is hard enough, but keeping it in, trying to control it is harder.
I think we are so afraid of feeling pain that it controls us even when we are not in pain. The sheer fear of it controls how we engage with people. How much can I give away? How close shall I let them see me? We build walls and layers to protect us from the storm that surely, at some point, will come. But if we are prepared it cannot knock us down. Right? This is the myth: don’t feel joy and happiness, because if it feels so good it must be too good; a clear sign that something bad is about to happen. We don’t allow ourselves to feel grateful and happy and glorious. We don’t allow ourselves to love with our whole heart and believe with all of our Soul and being. We think it protects us. We think we are in charge of controlling whatever life throws at us. Yet, in fact, it is the fear that controls us. It is fear – only the thought of whatever bad can happen – that controls our mind and body, our actions and thoughts.
To me, that is fascinating. It is fascinating to realize and acknowledge how our system is wired to not only deal with pain and shame and despair, but the sheer fear of pain and shame and despair. How a single thought can trigger a whole chain reaction involving the body reacting, the heart closing down and the armour being put on.
And we say, fear, now I can laugh at you; you have no control over me.
And fear thinks, now I have you where I want you to be.