Still love

I am bad-ass.

I am a bad-ass sister, daughter, friend; bad-ass singing along while taking a shower; a bad-ass globe trotter; a bad-ass creative genius (with the idea to take over the world).

I am bad-ass. But sometimes I need a reminder that this is true.

In the last few weeks I was mourning the loss of an essential source of inspiration and love. I have little control over the emotional wound and even less control over the physical reaction. My body reacts to the missing connection.

In the last weeks the universe was kind enough to bring love and inspiration back into my life. In small gestures, random acts of kindness, with well dosed care and in moments less expected. It cannot substitute the world that was created in interaction and that is now gone. Its shadow lives on in shared memories.

Still, these gestures and acts of kindness are like a soft knock, a reminder that there is love and inspiration out there. This love came in form of beautifully crafted letters, phone calls to listen to my voice, unicorns coming to life, space for sharing stories and space to break apart in someone else’s arms.

I am the strong one. I give advice. I take care. I care.

But now I am on the ground with an open wound.

And I am the one that needs care and I let myself to be taken care of. Because I don’t want to go on like nothing has happened. Because I want to say: I don’t feel good, I am not smiling today, I need time. And it is probably me who finds it the hardest to admit all of this.

Normally I try to be the reason someone smiles that day. Now I am the one smiling, because the universe gives me small, random, caring unexpected reasons.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an intervention card and sent it to four people. It said: “I need you. I need “you are not alone” & “I am here with you”. I know the next few months are going to be tough and I need you as a constant in my daily life.” I had no idea what the second half of the year would bring. All I knew was, it would be hard and rocky and, at times, unbearable. This intervention was addressed at others, but was foremost for me. To remind myself, once it hits, I have known it all along and I have known what I can take.

As I said, I am bad-ass.

 

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