Dear Andreas

Dear Andreas,

first I was in shock about my strength to let go. I leaned into the discomfort and let it hurt. And damn, did it hurt; does it still hurt? Only a shell made of steel, protected by thorns helped me back up. So I went out with this heavy amour surprised that there was a new day waiting for me.

I missed it all.
Knowing that our common thoughts connected us even across continents.
Thinking about our ways to whatever destination and where our paths might cross next.
Your presence in my everyday life.

Then I wanted to kick someone’s ass. Why couldn’t I be a different person?
Then I wanted to kick your ass. Why couldn’t you be the person I wanted you to be?
I could have screamed at you for making my soul bleed and for hurting me in all of my being.
You have broken my heart.
No harsh word, no gesture.
But any word at all.
Any sign at all – but silence;
which translates into indifference. No hate, no bad wishes, but indifference which brought me right back on the ground; crushed me on the ground.

God knows you are no god, no hero. You are human.
That is why I love you.
You are human.
That is why I am forever grateful. Because it allows me to say:
I am human too.
I am vulnerable and failing.
I am glorious and shining.

I don’t care who you love. You matter to me all the way.
I am so grateful it was you who gave me this scar which I will carry with me until the end of the day. When I think of you I smile remembering songs, action plans and one-line messages. You didn’t care that I couldn’t do cartwheels in your honor – and still can’t; that I couldn’t even fake it until I might be able to make it someday; that I didn’t want a tomorrow. You were right there. And you led me to right here. Thank you. It sounds flat but means my life to me.
I am at peace with you, most days. I said we will meet again if life allows. I feel it might not be in this lifetime. So all I am left with is an unaddressed letter. And I hope it gets to you, somehow someday.
With all of my heart I want you to know: I forgive you. And I hope you forgive me too.
And if you think of me at all,
you knowingly smile,
pour in some white wine
and think
humans.

(photo credit: Lisa Gellert, Mt Eden Auckland, New Zealand)

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