Poetry Slam I

“I cry by day and I cry at night
Desperately trying to make everything alright
But when everything around me seems to collide and the walls are closing in
The only steady friend is to hide in the corner; come on let it begin

There is a hole in my chest
It is dark in there, depressive and negative
It is a black hole sucking it all out
My love and dreams and hopes and fears
Well not my fears, but everything I hold once close and dear

There is a devil in my chest and as Florence told me to
I try to shake it out
And together we pray never let me go
And Ed says it is okay to cry sometimes
But what if crying is the only thing that makes you feel alive?

And I wish and I pray and I talk and I am silent
But no matter what I do these tears keep coming back
And with them these thoughts of despair
And while I hide in the corner I prepare
For the flood of accusations, of sorrow and denial
Above all, why am I failing at life?
I shake, I weep and I clench my teeth
And there is no God, no wise woman, no pill that stops this so I can believe
That there will come a time when I can be happy again

But for now I am fighting
Against the system, the rules and expectations
I am fighting against my feelings and fears, my irrationality and my call for help
And I realize this is a lost battle, I am fighting myself
I am grasping for breath
And wonder, how can I live on like that?
I can’t
I know I can’t

I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to let it all out
I cry by day and at night
Wishing everything will be alright
I want to run away, I just want to forget
And just pretend all these crazy, crappy moments have never happened
All these talks and thoughts are still to come
And I will find a way to make everything undone
But I am still here. Right here

And no one can turn the time – at least not yet
So I try to accept and to understand that this is me
These are my feelings, my thoughts and they rightfully can be
In my head, in my heart, in my soul
I only need to find a way to embrace them and to make them mine
So that despite this hole in my chest
Everyone can see and I can feel that I shine.

It is time to go now, I need to take the next step
And I can’t do it alone, but I can’t do it with you yet
No comfort, no advice, no accusations
All you can do is just to be
There is nothing to worry about
There is nothing I have to lose
Expect myself when I choose
To stay in my corner, to hide from the world
But here I stand and here I will stay
And I would be grateful if you would keep me company on this long and stony way.”

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